Saturday, December 31, 2005

Seasonal Thoughts [60+]

Christmas was good, and busy, and another learning experience. I haven't done a great job at relaxing this break, and not because I had no time to do it, but because I stayed up late almost every night. It takes 30 levels in WoW to realize that I need to ease up a little bit, and re-evalute what I am spending my time doing. I'm glad God is faithful, because a lot of the time I am not. So I am going to take a break from WoW until Jan 9th, when classes start again, and I can appropriately allocate time to it. I don't want to just drop it like before, because that doesn't teach me how to moderate my time. I am looking forward to the fact that Heather is in town from Jan till June for most of the week. We had a great day yesterday, and it was much needed. We went out to get dinner, and decided instead to go to Loblaws and get the chicken deal that I swore I would never do when I got older (its a family thing...). We watched a movie and read the word, and had a chance to actually relax together, which was pretty cool. I don't think I quite realized until last night how satisfying it is to simply talk, and share back and forth. A wonderful blessing. Gratz to Heather's sister Sarah. I still owe you a dunk in the snow Sar.

There are going to be a lot of tired people in church tomorrow :)

Keep studying folks!


Saturday, December 17, 2005


Matthew 9:29
And they cried out, saying, "What business do we have with each other, Son of God? Have You come here to torment us before the time?" (NASB)

So I randomly flipped to this passage when I am supposed to be working on my paper. Today has been a little bit disfunctional for me, seeing as my family is getting together more frequently, and I crave that time over paper time. In any case, it has been a rough day spiritual. A rollercoaster I might say. But what you are reading is not contentually analyzed (as that word just proved). Instead it is the thoughts which popped out of my head when I opened (seemingly at random) to this verse. Lets see what happens.

For some brief context, this is a "legion" of demons embodying a man (or two) in the country of the Gadarenes. These are the demons of whom it is spoken: "They were so extremely violent that no one could pass by that way." (v28b).

But here is what struck me about what they said. They asked Jesus if He was there to torment them? My brain did a double take (which sort of hurt), and then I was like: "What is this? Jesus tormenting someone?

So I looked up the word torment in the original, and this is what I found, care of blueletterbible.

Basanidzo Strongs (928)

1) to test (metals) by the touchstone, which is a black siliceous stone used to test the purity of gold or silver by the colour of the streak produced on it by rubbing it with either metal

2) to question by applying torture

3) to torture

4) to vex with grievous pains (of body or mind), to torment

5) to be harassed, distressed

a) of those who at sea are struggling with a head wind

Here are where my thoughts went next. The most tormenting thing that could be done to anyone is for the presence of God to be removed from them. That in essence, is what the Lake of Fire is. But the ramifications of that are not very clear in my mind because I don't understand what it is like to not have that presence. This passage demonstrates how terrified the demons were of Jesus, and they were his enemies! This is also the fate of everyone who does not make much of Jesus. It is the fate of those who would rather be satisfied with worldly things, than with the glory of Christ, and how beautiful and awesome He is.

But to be honest, I don't feel very fond affection for Jesus. In my head I understand a small bit of who He is, and I understand a little of what He has done. But my heart isn't crying out with the longing and desire that I read of in the Bible in the lives of devoted men and women therein. Like Hannah, who desired with everything in her heart to be blessed of God. Or David, or Paul... The list goes on. Also, I don't see in my life the devotion and comittment to loving and glorifying God that I find in men of the past. Men like Jonathan Edwards, John Owen, David Brainerd, David Martin-Lloyd Jones, etc. I realize the puritans are a bit of a hot plate right now, but if you examine what they wrote, it blows your mind! These people have an appreciation of the magnitude of God's word, especially in verses like this one, which demonstrates God's holiness, justice, and wrath. He will torment people in the Lake of Fire. Torment them. And if that doesn't rip all the callouses off of my rough heart then I'm not sure what will.

I suppose in another sense of the word Jesus torments us as well. In the first definition, it talks about testing metals for purity. And right now that feels like a slap in the face. Today has been a test, and I have failed. God is tormenting me in that sense of the word, but for what purpose?


Am I faithful? When I sin, do I come back to Christ a ruined man because of what sin means to God? This is torment. My soul feels tormented about my sin, because I hate what it shows about me. That I can't do it. I cannot be righteous. Until that hits you, you will never appreciate Christ. Its not just in the head. I'm slowly starting to learn that. I know what I should do from a mental perspective, but what my heart truly desires to do is displayed in my actions. And that torments me. It burns the soul to feel the heart grow cold with callouses.

But oh how beautiful Christ becomes to the eyes. How marvelous is his righteousness when I realize that God sees Jesus' life when he looks at me. I don't have to feed the poor, or help my neighbour, or go to church, or wash feet, or any of those things. But I should want to, purely out of a love of Jesus. Do I really love Jesus? I say it alot. Do I love Jesus? It should show. Sin should be putrid to me. A vile raping of God's character in my heart and mind. But is that how I view it? Perhaps it is time for another analysis of how I view sin.

Philippians 4:8 -

Whatever is good, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, think about such things...

I'm still here, and my heart is a little bit warmer than before.
-the bard



busy is a word overused.
especially when family is around
to talk, distract,

time will smile that knowing smile
and the cokes will pile
upon my desk.

Don't wait for me, I'll be a little while;
Because Its a lonely road:
Deep in the heart of Africa,
and cold as ice.

I'll sit quietly by, but my mind has gone
to work it out.

The shining guardian waits ominously,
and time smiles that knowing smile.
I'll be dead soon enough.

-the bard 17/12/05

Monday, November 28, 2005

The Satisfaction Song

The Satisfaction Song

I know you're seeking after happiness.
Well why wouldn't you? I do too!
But we've both been dead for so long,
That anything we get, we can't enjoy.

And we cry for something better.
But by that we just mean more
Of the same unsatisfaction,
'Cause we hate the alternative: loving God.

And what if I told you I found joy?
Not the kind you're used to, this will cost you everything.
Your girlfriend's bed, your selfish praise
Will never match the ravishing delight of Christ.

Get out of your girlfriend's bed!
You're selling yourself short.
Destroy that selfish praise!
You've gotta die to self, to live to Christ.

-the bard 28/11/05

Monday, November 21, 2005

Don't bend your mind too far on this one

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. My birthday was good, and life is moving along at its usual November pace: mindbendingly fast. Why does that sound fast? Beats me. Firstly, I am not even aware of what it would feel like for my mind to be 'bent,' let alone for it to be done so in a manner quicker than average. And secondly, well actually I don't have a secondly. English metaphors can be ridiculous, or perhaps the analysis is ridiculous. Moving on...

I'm jumping back into regularily studying NT Greek. Along these lines are perhaps my latest thoughts about the future, namely Bible Translation. Its exciting stuff. In other news, I am reading a book by Sam Storms called "onething," which discusses the beauty of God, and how we should be thinking more about glorifying and enjoying Him. I also got the chance to listen to John Piper give a biography of Jonathan Edwards, which has heightened my desire to study and know scripture, and actually think about it (which is why I am jumping back into Greek). O ya, and I decided that I'm going to write in Toddish for all my notes (except things I have to hand in...), since it seems to be a focus for me. Ah, good times.

I haven't written any songs lately, but I have been learning the piano a bit. Luke taught me a few things to start, and I'm using whatever time available to play. Its been fun so far. Assignments are looming, and I feel as busy as ever. I guess I can only laugh at myself for how much I get involved with.

Braidwood is going great at the moment. I feel like there is a revival happening in the church, in terms of a passion to know God and act on that. I feel closer to the people there, and it is cool to be a part of. And the chorus book is starting to be used, with guitars at the front and stuff! (I know folks, don't blow a gasket mulling that one over. God is good :)

Godspeed my friends!


Saturday, November 12, 2005


more to come...

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Reformation Day

October 31st is Reformation Day. It is the day in 1517 when Martin Luther nailed his 95-thesis to the door of the Wittenberg Cathedral, challenging the clergy on the issue of indulgences. Salvation by Grace alone, in Christ alone, by Faith alone was Luther's message. Take some time to think about what is celebrated on October 31st, and where the roots of Halloween come from. And take a close look at what Luther and the other "Protestants" actually preached. Romans 1:16-17 is a good place to begin. So go out, dress up, and celebrate God's grace, which is a gift apart from our works! We have the righteousness of Christ!

Happy Reformation Day

Happy Reformation Day!
Don't you want to get dressed up?
And celebrate Justification through Faith,
That our Father has given us.

No there is none righteous
Not one who understands
This is why we need the grace of God

You who indulge in Halloween
Your heart masked like the costume you wear;
Soul cold like the candy you eat,
Empty as your stomach is full.

Happy Reformation Day!
Get your thesis nailed to the door
And dress up however you like,
But remember its all about grace

-the bard 31/10/05

Monday, October 24, 2005

Context!! Context!!

So I tend to be fairly blunt concerning most things in life, and as a result I tend to say fairly poignant things in all circumstances. Some of these things, in the context of a relationship are down right hilarious (though perhaps a little bit embarrassing). So Heather wrote down a few of them, and since she is at school right now, I think I'm going to post them sneakily, and completely out of context. Actually she will probably laugh at me since they are mainly embarrassing for me. Enjoy!

1. "At the beginning I was like, 'Oh, this is horrible!'"
2. "I prefer it when you are sleepy."
3. "I'd rather die than marry you"
4. "Its not at all physical attraction. The physical aspect has nothing to do with it."
5. "If I was somewhere else and I'd heard that you died I'd have no problem with that... I'd praise the Lord."

I suppose there will always be more to come. Its good to be able to laugh at yourself once in a while.


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Doubly Blind

Doubly Blind

The quiet heart amidst a sea of noise
Peace, tranquility; it is alive.
Empty stares pierce the blind
Such rush, its a wonder they don't trip.
O yes, it is in a different sense,
What danger then, to be blind
And not know.
Let dirt and spittle fly!
Perchance to hit the eye
And now doubly blind they'll cry!

-the bard

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Heather Yoshiki

Our foundation

The Great Tree

Autumn floor

Jungles of Hope Valley

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

In the Room with Orange Swivel Chairs

In the room with orange swivel chairs
The white desktops are laden with all my work.
But my mind is somewhere else.

The Squatter's Tale lay dormantly asleep,
Though not so tightly held as Anne-
After buying 20 pounds of sugar.

O what time has passed amidst these thoughts,
Though not enough to suit my taste.

Patience now is ne'er undone
But grows, in full, agape love.

-the bard

Monday, October 10, 2005

Happy Birthday Bobo!

Well, its my little brother Caleb's birthday tommorow. He's 17 years of age. He is a pretty cool guy, I must say, though I can still remember the days when I used to beat him up; he could probably beat me up now. In any case, seeing how much he has grown to know and love Jesus is definitely a reason to be thankful. He's developing into quite a mature man of God, something I have seen by way of how Christ has shaped his personality and character over the years.
I spent time with Heather's family this thanksgiving as well, and as a whole it made me reflect on how God has blessed me with a wonderful family too. All the faces, the warmth, the memories laced with tears and soft music. It moves the soul.
Derek Webb's song "beloved" is playing in my head these days (and also on my guitar). Its about Christ and the church, and how Jesus is all that we ever need to be completely satisfied. I'm going to play it at the coffee house for TCF. I love this song!

And don't you ever let anyone tell you
That there's anything that you need
But me
-beloved (Derek Webb)

Sunday, October 02, 2005

God the Faithful one.

There is something about the faithfulness of God which is truly mysterious. He does not fail. That is a description of what He is like. It is very humbling when I think about how often I sin, and God is still faithful. How I chase after things which do not satisfy, and God is long-suffering toward me. Most humbling though, is that God restores me. By Christ's life and blood I have no debt to God. I have a new nature, a new set of principles. A new heart, a new objective. Follow Jesus friends. Man will fail you, but the Lord Jesus will never fail you.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

This One is for Noah

Grammatical Clang

Their was
broke its own;
And you're concern
is the

-the bard

Monday, September 19, 2005

Taking Stock

So I was looking back over my past blogging, and was surprised to find all the different things I have said. Alot has been written about the mind, solitude, poetry, music, God's sovereignty, patience, decisions, and so on. There have been changes since I started. Changes in attitude, circumstance, and direction. Most noticeably is my change in attitude toward the subject of dating. As I look back to January I notice that my major issue was not with the relational aspect of dating, but how it is labelled. And in that respect I believe I was wrong. Human beings will always label things. So it is not the labelling which I should be so concerned about, but the content of the relationship itself.

"I do not in any way condone dating relationships, but I believe I can get to know someone better by doing away with titles and inherent expectations involved in a 'dating relationship'."

This statement is simply untrue. This is because expectations are things which are defined by the people in a relationship, not the nature of the relationship.

So things have changed. And I am happy about that change.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Would I with
patient heart await:
Though paused upon thoughts deep and powerful,
And who's very construct
make the thinking valuable,
As a warder, the growing of this flower.


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Detour Back Home

Have I traded in a gift of faith
For a law I can't follow
Would I be happier to fall on my own
So I could boast that I did it myself

I'd rather miss a hundred exits
Than stop and ask directions
So you cause a blockage in the road
And detour me back home

You chase me with a love so rare
But I'll trade it in so I can be the same
Except the vendor can't buy it
Cause it was never meant for him

I'd fight you right alongside Job
And call you a cheater at the end
And even though I know I'll never win
Its easier to be irrational than wrong.

Friday, September 09, 2005

I was 8 feet from Derek Webb, and had my socks challenged off. He played well too.


Monday, September 05, 2005


Well it is my favourite time of the year: Autumn. And a lot of things are changing, as usually happens this time of the year. Everyone heads back to school, church ministries start afresh, and creation colours as if a seasonal sun had begun its routine setting, throwing his rays of colour across the country, until at last he tips his hat to the audience, stealing away with warmth in tow.

I find these days lend themselves to personal reflection. Where I am, where I am going, what I will do when I get there, when will I stop using run-on sentences... You know the usual. And to be perfectly honest, I'm kinda scared about it all. Probably more than anything I'm scared of what I don't know, or don't understand. And since I know very little, and understand less than I would like to believe of the things I do know, I am very thankful that Christ upholds me, sustains me, and intercedes for me. I need only dwell on Him in order to wash my fears away, for what shall I fear when Christ is in the forefront of my mind?

I think my favourite Hymn sums it up.

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

..."thou my best thought, by day or by night".

Why is it I spend time trying to do or say the best possible things, yet spend no comparable ammount of time thinking about the best possible thing? Pride. For human beings can perceive actions and words, but not thoughts. Honest words and deeds flow from honest thoughts. Think on Christ more urgently, more diligently, and more fully, and your words and actions will change to include Christ proportionally to how much you think on Him. I say urgently, because there is a lack of desperation in my heart; A lack of dependance upon the sufficiency of Christ. I say diligently because there is a lack of consistency in my thoughts of Christ, and I say more fully, because there is a lack of depth to my thoughts of Christ. Some changes are being made this Autumn, and I pray that the Lord would keep me mindful of Himself above all else.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

More to come!!!

Rickshaws are used to travel into bazaars and also to small villlages on the outskirts of towns.

Ahh our lovely bedding. And good old Mosquito netting, which was effective approximately 60% of the time :)

A Pelican eating a pidgeon whole in a park near Buckingham Palace.


Typical Day in Karachi

The Raj family

Lush London England

Team at the Arabian Sea

55.041 seconds...

Saturday, August 20, 2005

I think this one deserves a better title...

Back from Teen Camp at Hope Valley. It was fast, but it always is, due to the action packed nature of the week. One of the highlights was when we had this crazy game of soccer using an earth ball (approximate height 5 feet, 9 inches). All of the team leaders played against some 60 campers, which turned out to be a fairly intense game, especially when the impact of two or three people on the ball sent many flying into the air. The Lord was good to us throughout the week, providing strength and energy for those of us who had to jump into camp mode and get up to speed quite quickly. I had a blast doing programming, as it let me engage in one of my favourite pastimes: inventing crazy games and ideas. In other news I purchased a Larrivee from the L-01 series, and put a pickup in it. I have been looking to get an acoustic which plugs in for a long time, and this guitar seems to suit me well. I am really looking forward to recording music with Luke Dent this year, as well as re-mastering the songs from my first album. Its fun to try stuff, even if you don't think it will lead anywhere big. That's all for now.

-the bard

Saturday, August 13, 2005

Mood for Riddle and Rhyme

I am attempting to finish off the books in the series: The Cronicles of Narnia. The Magician's newphew holds this gem of a line. Good ol' C.S.:

Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger,
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.

O ya, and I'm in the middle of making a gleeman's cloak. You never know when you need one of those...

-the bard

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

"I never was, yet always will be. I am never seen, yet always come. I can carry nothing, yet hold much for some."

-the bard

Sunday, August 07, 2005

12 Hours in London

12 Hours in London

The Spaniards in the corner
Are keeping me awake tonight
I'm not sure what to make of my thoughts
And it's getting hard not to stare

Airports are odd places
Especially for the mind
I feel like I'd rather be back home
Just one more plane away
And I'll be ok

If it's ok with you
I think I'll stay up for a little while
It's not to change what I have to say
That will happen anyway

12 Hours in London
Waiting for all the things you would have
And I am not content to sit here as the friend
Why not?

Friday, August 05, 2005

Weight Loss + Perspective Shift = Symbiotic Relationship

So its been about 3 days since landing and I have had a chance to chat with a good number of my friends and family about the trip, as well as receive very lovely comments as to my lack of weight and "vibrant" skin colouration (is that a word?). I found out that overall I lost about 13 pounds, which if your Todd Anderson that works out to about all of the remaining fat reserves in your entire body. This, though it sounds tragic and perhaps scary, has been one of the most beneficial aspects of the entire trip for me. For I got to know my God much better through the experience. I now have a fresh look at what the word "hunger" means, though I would not suppose to have experienced it in any great measure.
Its kind of funny the way the Lord works. For my feeling coming away from Pakistan was that I would spend time over the next couple weeks thinking and praying about the experience, ultimately looking for some answers as to long-term work for the future. And my attitude has been negative as to returning to the country, based almost exclusively on the moods and emotions I felt during the trip. I spent some time playing tennis and chatting with Josh about it, and the things I kept saying I had issues with all seemed to be problems that would not occur if I lived in my own house, and had a job, etc... I guess I need to be very careful in the next few weeks to remember the facts about the country rather than a certain mood on a certain day. Well that's it for the moment, I think I'll go eat some peanut butter.

-the bard

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


So I'm back from Pakistan, very jet-lagged, skinny, scruffy, rugged, and feeling happy about being at home. I have heard a lot of things, seen more than I bargained for, and been changed by a God who cares too much about me to leave me as I am. There is so much to say, and it will be said in due time, but for now I wish to simply thank everyone for your support in prayer. It has worked, I have been tried in the fire, and learned much in the trying. Anyway I will unfold some of the journey through blogs, but the rest must be in person, for the stories are much more funny and meaningful in person.

-the Bard

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Not even there yet and look what happens ;)

Ok, so I know I said I wasn't going to blog, but I am not in Pakistan yet, and it was a pretty crazy day. so here goes.

Woke up around 6 am feeling pumped, read for a bit then played some guitar outside of Shawn and Hayley Cuthill's house in Toronto. I met one of their neighbours as she walked her dog Lucky. Then we had breakfast and greeted Hillary. Later that afternoon things got crazy, as we traveled downtown via bus, then subway (which I had never been on), and finally street car (which I also had never been on). I was the only one out of the 8 wearing Pakistani stuff (which I didn't mind, because the rest were complaining about heat) and I was carrying baby Joseph's stroller. We ate an awesome meal and the crew stopped to get some icecream, which i wasn't too interested in so i stood outside. Out of nowhere this girl passing me and Mel B, looks at me and says "You're hot!", to which I replied thankyou, giving her my grin and Mel my "what-was-that-all-about look". She just laughed at me. After that we headed back to the subway terminal via streetcar, which is where the fun really begins. You see, with this stroller, I was slightly encumbered, so when the rest of the crew packed onto the subway, there wasn't any room left. I moved down the line, but the subways are pretty quick so I missed the train. As it pulled away, I looked at Matt and tried to mouth the words "which stop" to which he shrugged his shoulders. I tried to do the same with Ben, but he was already of range. Chuckling to myself I waited for the next train, and had a grand time all alone, with every other person staring at me like I was a white guy dressed in Paki clothes with a stroller... except that I was!!! To make a long story short, I hopped off the train around Eglinton, then deduced that the most likely stop they would be at was Finch, because I wasn't paying very close attention to which street we were on, etc... Luckily Finch was at the end of the line northwards, and it turned out to be right. The Lord is good. We made it home, and half the crew went out to talk with a Pakistani guy who was involved in some parliamentary thing... I guess they will tell me when they get back. So I grabbed my guitar and played outside again, only to have another girl pop her head around the corner and compliment me on my playing... Needless to say I gotta be super careful around girls, maybe I won't grin at them anymore... O by the way, I get to eat lunch at Buckingham palace. Thankyou for your prayers, take care everyone!


Sunday, June 26, 2005

Apple Blossom in the Wind

While on this earth, there is no place I can go which will give me rest from the war with sin. There is no magical field of flowers, no grand summit, no calm, watery floor which can pause the battle. There is no enemy more fierce, more cunning, or more injurious to the soul. It takes no prisoners, uses all means of attack, and grows with each victory. And it is with me until the day I die. It is every thought of God hated, every gift of God despised, and every motive of God challenged. Until I recognize what evil the Spirit wars against, what lustful pride, I will never begin to lean on the Spirit for victory. Owen had it right, though he is difficult to understand sometimes. We are all in a war, whether we are in Pakistan or Canada. By far the most challenging thing about this trip will be continuing to trust the Spirit in this war. Keep it in the forefront of your mind, the seriousness of sin. Hate it, kill it. Realize that you will continue to fight for the rest of your life and look to Jesus. Hebrews 12:3: "For consider Him who endured much hostility from strangers against himself, so you will not grow weary and lose heart." Pakistan is not that different from Canada, there are just less people there willing to fight against sin. I urge you my friends, to fight. And if I return we can ask eachother how we have done.

Peace favour your sword.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

The Plane Contest

Ok folks I was cruising through blogs today and noticed on Caleb Hunt's blog a link to a 27k plane game made by some kid in Korea. Now at first I laughed at the idea, then I played it, and laughed harder at the fun. My little bro and I played a long time trying to get as far as possible, which brings me to the current Plane Contest. If you can beat my current score: 49.8 seconds I will write the "Plane Song" which will include an honorable mention of your name and score. I realize that I have no way of knowing if your score is legit, so you will just have to be honest. Also, in order to qualify, I have to know who you are. In the next couple days before pak I will continue to better my score so this post may be updated. The contest ends when I get back from Pakistan in August. If your score is better than mine when I get back, you win! Good luck, have fun, and watch Han Solo in Star Wars V for tips!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Shades of Green, Gray, and Blue

The CD is done. 12 tracks, total time: 37:02. Let me know if you want a copy.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

The Ballad of Joseph Wiliam

A baby cries and for the first time opens his eyes
Mother and Father are beaming and dreaming
Cause they know the way
And they'll teach their son to pray

With his mother's milk he feeds on the word of God
These building blocks of life will grow character as strong as trees
Joseph cries in the night
Wakes a Mom and a Dad O so tired
They rush out to hold him tight
His soft little snores their delight

The burden to provide will never match the joy
For Christ guides this family through every storm
Joe is in God's hands
To do with as He sees fit
And Joe seems pretty content

Calm of His Storm

I watched lightning tonite down at the park near my house around 2:45. I guess that means it is the morning... I have been wondering about lots of stuff, since my mind seems to have a default setting of 'high', with a temporary 'medium' setting when I fall unconscious.
In any case, I was wondering about the term "Quality of Life". At a seminar at my work we discussed this term briefly with respect to the people we serve. Everyone in the room was adamant that 'quality of life' is completely subjective, and though I didn't voice my opinion then, I am not so sure. It relates to the storm because I saw the great power of God displayed across the sky, and thought of his control over events in this world. I suppose I sort of philosophize the idea behind "Quality of Life", which is that any individual person decides for themselves what kind of life is of quality, when I suggest that the only "Quality of Life" possible is through Christ, and everything else must be measured by that standard. However it gets interesting when one discusses "Quality of Life" in reference to non-believers. Could one person's idea of "Quality of Life" impose on another person's? I believe so. Which makes me wonder how any talk of "Quality of Life" can be purely subjective, with no anchor or point of reference. Perhaps I'm blowing this out of proportion, so feel free to enlighten me. At least the lightning is straightforward: God is in control. That is where my quality of life is found: In the calm of His storm.

ps. my apologies for no ballad, its coming soon. p-stan t-15 days

-fox thought

Monday, June 13, 2005

'...See now I ride my Camel high, and I'm aiming for the needle's eye...'

i wonder what it is like to ride a Camel...

-night awakes are starting to get to me. I think I had a hunk of bread for supper, or was that breakfast... I'm not too sure. its actually tommorow and this post is for today, which is yesterday, but not for me. Needless to say i look forward to a somewhat more structured sleeping pattern. By the way, I love muggy weather. P-stan in 17.

for great justice,

Todd the fox

Monday, June 06, 2005

CD Construction

Well I figured out why all of my recordings sound like Darth Vader is constantly inhaling in the background: I forgot to turn off a switch which boosts the input of my microphone, and as such it also amplifies any 'white noise'. I am happy that I can fix the problem, but it also means I have to re-record a bunch of songs. O well. On that note I finally wrote some lyrics to a tune I have been strumming on my guitar for well over a week. Inspiration is a funny thing eh? One day nothing, the next day a tidal wave of ideas. Best to consistently write down ideas, as AndyMack keeps suggesting, so you never miss the opportunity to include them. Aunt Deb I've decided to compile a CD of songs pre-Pakistan trip, so I will be sure to get you one before I go. That reminds me... 24 days.

Spend Some Time With Me

Spend some time with me walking through a valley full of flowers blooming in the sun
I lift my head to the sky and wonder at your grace and power its all around me
So I open up your word
And see the justice of the cross
A righteousness mine all of you for all of me

The Saviour weeps for Adam's race who know only how to hate the God who gives them breath
What kind of love can it be which saw this Saviour die for me, satisfying God's wrath
And He hangs upon the tree
God's glory on His mind
The darkness it comes the transaction made, and we are saved

What response should I give to the Christ who rose on high and intercedes for me
A life of holiness He asks and by His spirit it's achieved Sanctified and pure
O to spend much time in his word
So to fall down on my knees
To glorify his name until he calls me home

Sunday, June 05, 2005

25 days...

Frisbee was a blast, except now I am being reminded why my legs were not meant to run all day. I am pretty sure I sprained something, but it can't be as bad as the guy who willingly jumped over the Hope Valley Cliff, tsk tsk... In other news Matt and Ruth came down, I held baby Joe in my arms, and there are 25 days left until the trip. Please pray for the Team.

Saturday, June 04, 2005


Well after putting the laptop away for a month I have decided to bring it back out and check blogs and emails more regularily. I apologize to those regular people who keep wondering where I went to, it was a needed time of rest. In the time off I wrote another song, which has not been recorded yet, (or at least what my version of a recording is, complete with background static... etc.) but will be soon. I am currently working on another, which brings the total number of songs I might put on a CD close to 12. O ya, I also finished my ballad for Joseph William Cook, but I will post it a little later after I do some fine tuning of lyrics and music. I believe I will get to see the little guy tommorow (hee hee) at the milliscus tournament at Hope Valley. Thanks Mack for the chat today, it was refreshing.

Dance to the End

Who would have thought, this was the plan
A week to remember and I'm at it again.
It seems this solitude made a wreck of my mind,
Humbled by things of a wonderful kind.

Living by faith and fighting a war,
Few are practicing the sword anymore.
Gotta sit down and think, read Romans again,
Treasures to be found, a pearl from my friend

And that boy danced a solid tune
With the sky framed in ocean blue
That grin on his face, he was ready to dance to the end.

Life on a roll, its been quite a ride
Searching for wisdom only He can provide.
Probing the depths of His infinite grace,
Resting therin she doesn't feel out of place.

And with Apple Blossoms in her hair
She didn't care who came to stare
Cause she made up her mind, she was ready to dance to the end

With Christ sufficient for the pair
And a goal they both wished to bear
They took up some words and were ready to dance to the end.

Friday, May 27, 2005

the wheel turns...

I am feeling pretty distant at the moment. My computer is not being used, I check blogs and emails less and less, and I am reading a lot more. I am starting to go out to Hope Valley when I'm not working, doing whatever needs doing, and I found myself exploring the forests in the back part of the camp. Its so peaceful to be alone, and yet I know I am not supposed to shut myself away for the summer... I've been cruising through 'the Wheel of Time' series by Robert Jordan, which has been fascinating and phenomenal, as usual. Probably the best thing about the series is that Jordan really understands people, their flaws, the different perspectives they have, and their motives for doing things. By the way, I've decided all girls are masters of Daes Dae'mar which means I should probably just run away and hide, or stop smiling... I wish the dice would stop rolling in my head. I think I will get back to work, and write a song.

Does 'Daughter of the Nine Moons' mean anything to you? -Mat Cauthon

Sunday, May 15, 2005


4:13. That is when the first Robin starts chirping. With a soft rainfall on a warm morning the sound of a Robin singing is quite soothing. Night shifts become all the more pleasant when a Robin greets you in the early morning hours.

Saturday, May 14, 2005

O Christ in Thee my soul hath found

The Lord has been using this hymn, and a message Andy Bowes preached from the book of James, to make me think about how much I really love Jesus compared with how much I love other things. As my previous post suggested, I've had a week or two to realize that I crave a whole lot of things over Jesus. So its time to kill the cravings I think. And I'm more a fan of the 'cold turkey' approach versus the 'smoker's patch' approach. Pay particular attention to verse 4.


O Christ in Thee my soul hath found

O Christ, in Thee my soul hath found, and found in Thee alone,
the peace, the joy, I sought so long, the bliss till now unknown.

Now none but Christ can satisfy, none other Name for me!
There’s love, and life, and lasting joy, Lord Jesus, found in Thee!

I sighed for rest and happiness, I yearned for them, not Thee,
but while I passed my Saviour by, His love laid hold on me.

I tried the broken cisterns, Lord, but, ah! the waters failed!
E’en as I stooped to drink they fled and mocked me as I wailed.

The pleasures lost I sadly mourned, but never wept for Thee,
till grace the sightless eyes received Thy loveliness to see.

Sunday, May 08, 2005


So I have been thinking recently, after observing an interesting phenomenon in this culture, that solitude is something I will seek after more in the future. Good old fashion alone time, be it throwing a frisbee, or reading a book, or taking a walk, whatever. I come to this conclusion after observing many people react stunned at the thought that I did something by myself, with that purpose in mind. Isn't it kind of weird that the first question someone asks you when you tell them you went to play frisbee golf is: Who with?
The Lord has blessed me this past week in allowing me to experience alone time, and to be honest I pretty much wasted a lot of it trying to figure out what to do with myself. Then I realized that it truly is a gift from God to be able to spend a day or a week by yourself (not that you don't see or talk to people, but that you don't plan for it, or need it). So I began reading books more and more, and downloaded more sermons by John Piper on Romans. I believe this is an area of my life I would like to improve in. Spending my alone time wisely and profitably, unworried about hanging out with people so much.
For it is in solitude that I will really know God. Not just in an intellectual way, but in that deep loving way which is found in a quiet field of flowers, or on a hill of grass, where the soul can reflect and be truly satisfied in Jesus. He leads me beside still waters, he restores my soul. My current favourite song from Caedmon's Call is "Walk with Me", which speaks to my heart each time I play it, or hear it. I realize that many of you are extremely busy with work, but I would encourage you to use the time you have wisely, seek out the Lord in the stillness of solitude, if the Lord grants you the time. And believe me, if you desire to be quiet with Jesus, he will give you that time.

'Walk with me empty, walk with me strong
The hush of our voices, when the day seems so long.
It is like a balm, it is like a jewel, it unravels all i thought i knew...'

Sunday, May 01, 2005

Heaven's Abode

The Christ of the cross is drawing nigh,
A face like the sun in glory will come.
And when my dear King calls my name
This world I will leave for ultimate gain, for ultimate gain.

As waves of doubt crash surfs of faith,
I'm held by the promises in his word.
Mornings may come when I slip again,
I was bought with His blood before time began, before time began.

And I know that its not my job to ask
But do friendships like these flourish or fail?
I'm scared to hold on and take a blow
Or let go and lose what friendships I'd known, what friendships I'd known.

With the heart set on Christ and a life that shows
The majesty of his beauty alone.
This clock though it ticks but very slow,
Will no longer matter in Heaven's Abode, in Heaven's Abode...

Thursday, April 28, 2005

A Walk Down Memory Lane

So I went up into my attic today in search of a disc to play frisbee golf with later this afternoon. My attic is full of everything you can imagine, and I stumbled across some of my work from when I was 7 years old. Here is an excerpt from my journal:

Wed Oct 28, 1992 I would like to be and rtist wen I growe up. then i can do ale things rtists can do.

Now I admit my spelling has not changed too drastically since those days, but an artist? I found a bunch of drawings and multi-media work I did around the time, most of which were drawings of the USS Enterprise from Kirk's day. Man its been quite the afternoon, sitting here and remembering. I actually have the "Official Star Trek Fan Club of Canada Badge".

Its cool to think that the Lord has a plan for this life, and He has designed it so intricately and minutely, all for His own name's sake. One entry that caught my attention was this one:

Wed Sept 9, 1992 I wood like to have a turtle a little turtle.

Now I think I want to be a turtle. Swift to listen, slow to speak, slow to wrath, as James puts it.

Someone go dig up something of your past and share, I'd love to here how well you spelled back then, and what some of your hopes and dreams were.


Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Another Chapter...

Today I felt the presence of that ever quiet, ever secret mood which declares far and wide the ending of another page in life, and another chapter with it. I am now truly finished my first year of Trent University, having gone out with style and panache which only Calvin might muster. I felt it appropriate this year to finish my greek exam in costume, and after rising to the occasion by wearing ski goggles and a 'toy story' cape I passed on part of the attire to Heather, who found it quite enjoyable to super-hero her way out of University. After a windy game of frisbee golf and a fine supper, we proceeded to bake a 'Raspberry Cream Cheese Coffee Cake' for our fellow bible-study-leader comrade. It ended up that Lauren and cheese cake are not the best of friends, so we all travelled to the Stephensons to enjoy it. Good times.
However, another chapter is slowly ending, the door cracked open enough for me to glance back and remember what the Lord has done, and how I have been changed for his glory. It is crazy to think about how different things were at the close of my year at KLBC, when compared with this year. And how similar.
I am currently reading a small biography on Hudson Taylor after which I promise I will go down to braidwood and finish off "Holy War". These missionary biographies really wrench my heart, so that I am much in thought about missions, and Pakistan. The Lord has in store for me a journey I could not dream up with all the imagination I have been blessed with. I need to read some more biographies this summer. I should talk with Levi, he'd know some good ones.
Pray that I would discover the Lord's will this summer. My heart is full, and has much to think and dwell on. Peace and Shade to you, until tommorow...

(Hudson Taylor's Spiritual Secret p34)

"A little while: 'twill soon be past!
Why should we shun the promised cross:
Oh let us in His footsteps haste,
Counting for Him all else but loss:
Then, how will recompense His smile
The sufferings of this little while!"

Monday, April 25, 2005

Max in my guitar case. I love this cat, she's so cute!

Internet on the roof!

Jammin with my bro.

Friday, April 22, 2005

The Days Are Just Packed

Listening to some Jars. The Valley Song is rockin my heart.

Why is it that I find myself so restless in the face of such a full and abundant salvation.

In the famous words of Our Lady Peace:
'I'm bleeding by myself, but I'm Ok, yeahh'

---no, I'm not, but Christ is working things out---

Saturday, April 16, 2005


A song from this weekend's night shifts. Enjoy


You were superman, wanting to fly so high.
Well you bombed out, just like Icharus you fell.
And you lay here, uncontrollably yourself.

If it wasn't for that rotten mind
You'd be alright, perfect infact.
But you, you wallow in pity and pride.

So pick up your mat, blind man
Open your eyes, walk in the light
You were meant for this life
So go on start living it!

Picture frames brace the walls with hero's and things
A little book, dusty with age, gets a look.
And you lay here with the knowledge of your fall.

This superman who wanted to fly so high
Found himself chasing after only the sky
But now he's changed, He has heaven written on his eyes.

Friday, April 15, 2005


I had a good day today. I no longer have a bathroom, as it has been completely destroyed, luckily I was able to help (sledge hammers are fun). I went on an adventure today (as if I don't everyday), and wound up visiting a few of the friends I have made through TCF bible study this year. Good people, who have lots of good insight into life and Christ. After a tidy meal (pretty much a hunk of cheese I sliced off at the start of the day with some five-alive) on the river by Trent I chased the sunset all the way home.

This picture of Calvin and Hobbes dancing to music at 78 rpm's sums up the day. My only regret is that I never did make it into a tree. O well, maybe tommorow...

May God bless you richly through his Word.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Bikes, Guitars and Commitment

Well today was pretty exciting, and still is. I went to a party geared toward sponsoring NEA in which twin brothers John and Ben shaved their legs in preparation for a bike trip across Canada. The party also included music, fooseball, food, and clips of cycling races (tour de France) on a projector. I had a chance to sing a song about the 4 people involved in the trip, 3 of whom were involved in the small group Bible study I was a part of this year. The song came off a little messy, but I don't mind, because it was fun, and they are good friends. O, and I figured out that I like fooseball, but am not that good. In that regard I should mention that Mr. Yoshiki was very, very good, and along with Heather almost beat out the twins in the first round. As for the food, I mainly stuck to cheese and carrots, because sooner or later this metabolism thing is gonna quit, and I'm gonna wake up fat. (though i did have a couple cookies) (hee hee)

In other news, I think I am starting to enjoy recording music. Josh found me a program which lets me record a track, and then record another piece while the first one is playing. This means I can add in more guitar parts and explore/practice singing harmony. Recently I tested this out by playing 'Beautiful Scandalous Night' (which is a cool song all by itself). I was inspired by how well Luke Bruce and Amy Covert sing it for KLBC choir (thx folks!). Anyway, I will try to keep people updated, but as it stands I might try to compile stuff and plop it on a CD. If you would like to hear some of my material give me a shout. I need to hear some constructive criticism so I can improve.

Lately I've been reading about Joseph in Genesis. That man had character coming out his ears. And one thing I noticed was that he is consistent in all he does, even during temptation. Day after day he is hounded to sin, and he refuses. He made a commitment right from the get-go that he would not sin against God, and he made good on that promise. Stu Webber points out that a man's ability to make a promise and keep it is crucial to who he is. A consistent commitment to the things of Christ is what it is all about.

Time to get back to work! I hope I get to make something cool tonight.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Heart and Sleeve

Recently I have been thinking about direction in life. In re-reading the short book by Stu Webber entitled 'The Heart of a Tender Warrior', talking about life and change with Luke, and pondering the ending of a school year, my mind returns to my direction in this life. Michael W. Smith wrote a song called 'Place in this World', and it is quite fitting in this situation:

The wind is moving
But I am standing still
A life of pages
Waiting to be filled

A heart that's hopeful
A head that's full of dreams
But this becoming
Is harder than it seems

Feels like I'm
Looking for a reason
Roamin' through the night to find
My place in this world
My place in this world
Not a lot to lean on
I need your light to help me find
My place in this world
My place in this world

If there are millions
Down on their knees
Among the many
Can you still hear me

Hear me asking
Where do I belong?
Is there a vision
That I can call my own?

I know my goal is to exalt Christ by cherishing and enjoying Him, but
I think I am longing for some direction in the future, some sign saying "TODD THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD BE". Is that sinful thinking? Is that a lack of trust in Christ? I just feel like I could try so many things in this life: teacher, missionary worker, bible translator, musician (k maybe not the last one :P) Luke also noted that who we know slowly changes depending on what we do and where we go. It is inevitable. And it takes a lot of work to keep friendships going. So how does someone know where they are called to? because this summer I really hope to find some direction for the future. I don't just want direction though, I want a vision for the future, a goal, a quest. Somewhere to lead a family. Hmm. Perhaps there is no vision because I am not ready for it yet. There is much to be desired in my character, things the Lord is continually conforming to his likeness, as well as showing me things I need to experience or learn. So then, I must study Christ, so I might adore him more, and thus desire to be like him and learn from the situations he places me in in the months and years to come. Pray for me my friends, help me keep these eyes on Jesus.

Romans 12:1, Hebrews 12:3

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Jacob Joseph

Jacob Joseph opened his eyes today

Fingers stretching for the sky

The cradle rocks him softly back to sleep

A precious life indeed

And I wonder if he will grow to love Jesus,

And marry some girl beautiful and wise

Together they might pray under the trees

Of Africa’s deepest wilds

I don’t know about that baby boy

The days you’ve planned for him

But my job is to trust and obey

Cause’ Lord you’ve been good to me

And when Peter sought the secret will of God

The Lord reminded him of his place

For He does as He pleases with the nations of the earth

And little Jacob Joseph has not been forgotten

So I’ll pray about that boy in his cradle

And maybe God will have mercy

Cause Jacob Joseph is a sinner too

And a precious life indeed

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Easter Blessings

Easter has been interesting this year. I came to the realization last night that I take advantage of my family in so many ways. To be able to sit down and have a meal full of laughter and love was one thing that struck me like a hammer. Then later that evening I noticed something I had brushed off for so long. When I bring the guitar upstairs, sometimes my little brother brings his up and kinda jams while I'm playing stuff. Once or twice we have tried to play together, but yesterday there was a real connection, he played rythm and I played some lead and sang. It's funny, maybe I'm just slower than everyone else who has siblings, but after many years of trying to avoid him, or simply using him for bits of fun here and there, this last year I have really started to appreciate and respect his uniqueness in Christ, and his developing skills. I have a feeling he will be a preacher some day, and that rocks the socks. I love you Caleb!

In other news the Lord has been showing me amazing things concerning trent university. There is a real peace in my heart about nominations for TCF's executive for next year, and I am super excited about being a part of it.

I've been listening to Caedmon's Call's new CD: Share the Well, which has been a blessing, specifically three songs: 'the innocent's corner, the roses, and there's only one (holy one).

There's only one, who never fails to beckon the morning light
There's only one, who sets loose the gales and ties the trees down tight
When all around my soul gives way, he is all my hope and stay
There's only one, only one Holy One

Finally, I've been encouraged lately by two of my friends, and the story I see the Lord weaving through each of them. Keep strong girls!

Sunday, March 27, 2005


I was going to blog something gutsy, but I decided not to. Blogging just for the sake of posting is not good, and can get you into trouble down the road. So i'll hold my peace. Something is brewing though, soon I hope.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Warder al'Ander

God is showing me how good he is through his word, but I'd like some patience. Training to be a Warder is tough work, but I'm on the way. Keep soaking in the word.


Friday, March 11, 2005

It's New It's Exciting, hurry while supplies last!

Folks I've finally done it. After years of cognitive ability strained towards imagining amazing things, inventing games or martial art disciplines (which I mainly used to test on my little brother) I have finally come up with an invention worthy of renown!... well sorta.

It's Sprapple, the famed new drink, brought to you by TradeMark industries and manufactured at mild-mannered Todd's house. This unique blend of rich apple flavour and tangy sprite zip is sure to be loved by the whole family. The key to this marvelous drink is not in the ingredients themselves, but the genius way in which you combine them. There is a limited supply of Sprapple to be had, so hurry down to Herman Street today!

*those drinking Sprapple may be subjected to hours of uncontrollable energy which may result in weak knees, sweaty palms, and or loss of hair. Please contact your doctor and ask if Sprapple is right for you*

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


Its been an interesting couple of days. Greek exam didn't go too well, but it is so freakin hard. Ask Ben Inglis about greek, mention the word 'participle' and you will get the basic reaction I'm trying to convey, except that he does it better than me. In other news, stuff for the trip is coming along smoothly, I need to send my money today and figure out a few minor things, but beyond that the Lord is really setting things in place. Please pray for me, not only because I'm a mess who is going to a crazy country I know little about, but also because I am really looking for direction for the future, and a lot of that depends on this trip. God is faithful, and I am confident He will show me what I'm to do. Finally I have to say a little word about the song entitled 'Laden with Guilt' in Caedmon Calls album: 'In the Company of Angels: A Call to Worship'. It is written by Isaac Watts and Sandra MaCracken, and I think its a beautiful song. Actually I think I will go play it now!

This is the field where hidden lies
The pearl of price unknown.
That merchant is divinely wise
Who makes the pearl His own.


Sunday, March 06, 2005

The War of the Mind

Life is war of the mind. A battle to fight a rotten, greedy, bitter nature whose overall desire is to exalt itself, by whatever means. It fights with ever increasing vigor, a formidable opponent who attacks only weak points, even feigns death for a time to gain an edge. I am becoming more and more convinced that there is no possible way I could, of myself, fight against this nature. This is simply due to the fact that before Christ there was no other nature in me from which to wage war with. And i am even more convinced of the fact that I have no power of my own, in my new nature, with which to wage war against the old. For time and time again I have seen the struggle in thought, and have determined whole-heartedly that I would not participate in sin. And be it minutes or hours, I succumb to the sin, and wonder where I have gone wrong. Only by constantly renewing the mind with the word, and praying, asking the Lord for the strength to fight temptations, can anyone be victorious in this war. Friends, I urge you to take stock of the past, the times where you have failed miserably, knowing you have offended the most Holy God, and resolve to fight the war as it was intended to be fought: With God's word.

-Read 'Spiritual Disciplines for the Christian Life' by Don Whitney, and Tozer's 'Knowledge of the Holy.'
-For an understanding of the war of the mind read John Bunyan's Holy War (so far its dynamite!)


Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Happy March Day!

Well folks its here. March day. Jen Affleck invented it as we were climbing off the bus early this morning, and I am taking up the notion like a battle cry from some long dead war. It started when I commented that it was March now, but it didn't feel like it, though I never remember March 'feeling like it'. (I suppose I am sad spring is not here yet) She perked up and said, 'Ya its like March Day or something. Isn't there some sort of holiday for the first day of March?' We batted around some ideas, and shrugged our shoulders till I decided I would just call it March Day. Tell your friends, do a dance, write, jump, sing, but remember it is March Day.
While I am on, as it seems to the untrained eye, a useless rant about March, I might as well designate the official Calvin and Hobbes comic for March Day. hmmm. let me see. Aha, I have found it! I will just give you the URL because I can't be bothered to figure out how to upload pictures to my blog.

On a closing, completely unrelated note: if you get the chance, read John Bunyan's Holy War. So far it is very insightful, and a good vocabulary builder. That man had a good grasp on salvation.

Happy March Day one and all!

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Feast for Thought

Today was an interesting day. Two major things happened today, church, and music practice. Music practice was a good time, as it always is, especially with Erin, Andymack, and the Cleric. Mack and I jammed out afterwards, and half wrote a song called 'Dancing Julia' (actually Andymack was basically in the midst of some crazy drum solo when i joined with some guitar and made up lyrics, but it was a start, and the song was about a girl who is a beautiful dancer, but has to work at McDonalds for $7.99)
Anyway, after that was done, I went to evening service at Braidwood and listened to a message on temptation and sin, (a continuation of the message from the morning on Genesis 3:1-12) and the Lord really spoke to me. Andy Bowes brought out the clear truth of God's word concerning temptation, and the reason we fall into sin so easily. The first thing Satan tries to do in temptation is make us doubt the Word of God, and the Goodness of God. Once he has done that sin is sure to follow, because when we begin to doubt what God says is true, we decide in our minds that what we desire, or wish, or hope, or think, is better than what God tells us. Remember that the heart is deceitful above all things. The old flesh is tearing at my mind to give into those temptations, because it hates God. Everyone out there who loves Jesus knows what I am talking about. That inner struggle of mind, right before the action of sin. That decision to run away, or to go ahead. Once again tonight I was reminded that the way to be strong in the face of temptation has nothing to do with my strength of will, or my intelligence, but my knowing God through the study of his word. You see folks I'm a fairly logical person, so the equation makes complete sense from all angles. It even has parallels to real life. If you want to have a deep relationship with someone you had better spend time with them, get to know them, and if you love that person, you will desire to do just that, and be pained when you can't do so. The same is true for our God. The way to know him is through his word. The question in my head and heart, the one I need to answer now, and the one I have been running from for so long is: Do I love Jesus? And if so, why don't I put forward the effort to get to know him by reading his word?

It's so simple. But in all honesty folks there are other things I would rather enjoy playing the harlot with before I run to my real husband, like my video games, or fantasy novels...
It's like that Derek Webb song 'wedding dress'. That one line is ringing in my ear: 'I am so easily satisfied, by the call of lovers less wild'.

For me its time to change, to get back to that consistency of reading God's word daily.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Sand Outside Jericho

A song I wrote on a nightshift at work. Bartimaeus the beggar is such an interesting guy to study. It's amazing to see some of the truths the Lord applies to the heart.

Sitting in the sand outside the town of Jericho
The footsteps of a crowd drew a growl from his stomach
The mid-day meal was still long coming
And he had only a few coins in his coat

He called out to some passersby
'Sir why all the noise, and could you spare a coin?'
Then he heard Jesus' name, a whisper in the crowd
And at the top of his lungs he cried:

O son of David have mercy on me
Bartimaeus the Unclean
Dear Lord I want to see,
I just want to see

Your faith has made you well
And it was done, well almost.
There was still that choice to follow Christ,
But he'd been called, and his money lay forgotten

How is it I go back to being blind
And begging for this world to satisfy
Cause I don't really know what I want,
But I know I want to see.


Thursday, February 17, 2005


So while I was working on a philosophy essay about Descartes in a hallway at Trent University I glanced to my right to notice a group of weathered stones sitting just outside the large bay windows. That whole afternoon the sun and snow alternated at lacing intricate patterns and shadows accross the surface of these rocks. Besides this there was water dripping periodically from a tin roof onto the stones in that all too familiar pattern which left a ridge line of time worn stones to separate the grass from the rocks. To top it all off I was listening to some sweet Caedmon's Call songs, some of which were, Hands of the Potter, Shifting Sands, Manner and Means, etc. This all to say that I am going to write some spontaneous poetry concerning that evening. Enjoy.

Like a crimson arrow falling with the pull of gravity I fell,
To skip like a smooth stone accross cascading storm clouds,
Bent on dispensing their white, luminescent wrath upon
Stones hardened by years of teardrop bombardment.
Then, as the eye of a storm hushes the grass which meets it stare,
The stones braced, ears strained heavenward, for the dreaded wind
To bring in haste a seemingly endless barrage of snow.
Blue swirled to a deep grey, as azure was swallowed by heavily burdened
Pack horses, bound for some distant land, packages swaying in the breeze.
The crimson bolt disapeared, plunging the world into shadow, the wind,
Afraid to blow its tidings, retreats into the recesses.
And I am alone again, gloriously alone.
Grey fades to green, and I smile:
It will be back!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

New Lessons

The Lord teaches new lessons every day. This weekend went completely as God planned, and as I review it, I see his faithfulness painted across my moments of doubt, and his grace across my sin. Doubting my Lord has been a problem of late, but the Lord has taught me once again that he is not only trustworthy, but He is 'The trustworthy.' A small red elastic behind the ear should do as a reminder for that. The others i suppose are to deal with my unruly hair and performance with sword forms. (more on that in another blog)
On another note, I've been noticing more and more how friends are few and hard to come by. Distance grows with each passing day, and I speak and communicate with less and less people that I once did. I suppose a core group of people exists, but sometimes I wonder if that is diminishing. I think I have concluded that:

1) Friends must be cherished and one must work hard to keep those relationships going.
2) The Lord has reasons for moving people in and out of our lives, and it is not our job to become anxious over departure, or separation. Seasons come and go, we must embrace the new season, remembering fondly, not bitterly, those friendships we were bestowed with.

Based on this, I think I need to work at cultivating those relationships I am responsible with.
(and learn 'Courtier Taps His Fan')


Wednesday, February 09, 2005


Today has been interesting. I have two things coming fast. Ottawa and Work, both of which I must attend, but neither can be done at the same time: They overlap... As it stands, there is only 1 person who can take the shift, and 3 days until the deadline. I am struggling to be confident that God will resolve the problem. Or perhaps it is my perceiving it as a problem that is making me anxious. Trusting the Lord with things you can't control should be easier than this... sigh. I need to be patient.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Another Mask To Burn...

Today I was out in a t-shirt, freezing but loving the closeness of spring. I was thinking about what it means to be sincere, in both thought and deed. I was reminded that I need to be very careful that the way I am presenting myself to people matches up with my heart condition. Its time to stop telling people I feel 'good' when I don't, or pass myself off as someone who has everything together. If I continue to do these things, I will start to believe they are true, creating an even greater problem than just deceiving my friends about my spiritual condition; I will deceive myself.

'I thought I could protect it better holding it in my hands, but I paid it so much attention it broke when I tripped over my own feet. So the heart goes back on the sleeve, where God protects it.'

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Two Fountains

He saw, as it seemed to him,

Two fountains peculiar and alone.

From the eagles nest the eye

Is hard pressed to miss the beauty of one,

Enlightened by the glowing, uncobwebbed lanterns,

Swaying in an unusual night breeze.

From depths of earth flow forth the source,

Of mighty waters blasting from twelve base holes,

Whose reaching strains to touch ten circular basin,

Piled High into the sky, cup upon ever shrinking cup,

Falling short of the blighted peak.

Outside beautiful gates lies, in a grassy gnole,

A replica of city fountain built just as tall.

But beauty appears unmirrored, unfound among the shoots,

Save the summit, where water trickles forth.

The water too differs much, in quality,

For none but those who swear by the tower,

Know of the source of its single crested stream,

Which, though it waters the top, fails to reach below,

And cracks may be seen forming on the parched base.

Two fountains stood peculiar and alone,

And he chose the one spouting truth.

Thursday, January 20, 2005


The world is a strange and wonderful place.... And as I write, you guys out there are most likely curling up in your chairs, grinning like idiots at the insane topic about which I choose to blog. However I have come to some concludatory thoughts about girls.
2 things have prompted me in the last while: Rand Al'Thor, and Derek Webb. Those of you who know either know that Rand is always not understanding women, and Derek is a forthright lyrical genius concerning how he feels about them. Both sum up a lot of whats going on...

Love is Different (Derek Webb)
Well, it looks like five thousand miles broke the camel's back
But it's not as though I had a plan to win you back
Because I don't know what I want
But at least I know that much
Now I'm afraid love came right up
And it slapped me in the face, but I did not know

'Cause love is different than you'd think
It's never in a song or on a TV screen
And love is harder than a word
Said at the right time and everything's alright
Love is different than you think

So I won't expect a postcard from Trafalgar Square
But I'd be lying if I said I didn't care
Because you can't just turn it off
And put a blindfold on your heart
But I’m off to a good start
A continent away, but I do not know

But maybe you're the dream I’m waking from
'Cause I see you everywhere I go
Darlin' you are such a mystery to me, you know

So guys I have been brooding over an idea for quite some time. The whole idea of dating or waiting, the m-word, and God's sovereignty/timing. We need to stop looking at this issue as a java-induced child looks at a Jenga game, and start looking at the way Christ would have us treat any person. Its about character, and long-term, and all those big words that make my stomach churn because I'm lonely. You know what is exciting news? The longer we have to develop strong, godly character, the more intimate our future relationships will be. We should praise God that he has given us more time to prepare ourselves for a wife.
To that end, I have given up dating altogether. Firstly it seems to me to carry the same weight of a promise item (a lesson painfully learned) Secondly, godly friendships CAN be developed as they should without titles and built-in expectations. Promise items are liken to the idea of teasing someone about a good you have, and then giving no actual guarantee that the good will be delivered. Let your 'yes' be yes and your 'no' be no. Many are prepared to say that godly friendships will get to a point where a secondary step must be taken, before engagement, so as to make known to other people an 'officiality' of the relationship. (I do not mean to be harsh to any that have done this, I just believe there to be a better way) This seems to be done for one of two reasons that I have observed: To please the public eye or to please the private eye. In the public's eye people often seek status, or respect, and in the private eye the individuals involved in the relationship often seek identification, and solace. (This is not a complete list obviously :) All of these things can be found in God, for if one is in love with the Saviour, their status is found in him, they will not be swayed by the lack respect given them, furthermore they will find true identification and solace.
(at this point I will make one plug for dating, but please note that many people think they fall into this category when in fact they more than likely do not. It is this: There is a genuine commitment in the relationship which will not fail in manifesting itself in marriage, and both persons understand this, but believe it is best to wait a little while before making the engagement official)
Having said these things, I do not in any way condone dating relationships, but I believe I can get to know someone better by doing away with titles and inherent expectations involved in a 'dating relationship'. The craziest thing, and probably the scariest, will be the day of my proposal.
Trying to be a tortiose in an age of hares...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Experiment B-12

Do you ever notice how people tend to follow one another around. Today I got on the bus at Trent University, which was jammed pack because it was nearing its major drop off area at the steps of Bata Library. I was the first person to get off the bus, and I wanted to try an experiment. You see i have noticed when I am thirteenth or fourteenth off the bus, and one person ahead of me thanks the driver, the rest tend to follow suit. I try to thank the driver regardless of who else has done so, but today I took note of what would happen when I, who was getting off first, thanked the driver. As I left the bus I heard the next 3-4 persons follow suit. I wonder if they do it out of sincere thanks, or simply because they do not wish to look ungrateful when someone else has just thanked the driver. In any case the point remains that people follow others, be it consciously or subconsciously. Over the next few weeks I hope to observe the patterns of leadership which evoke the most amount of people to follow. Leadership in a loose fitting sort of way, where someone could be leading at a strictly subconscious level. I hope to post results soon, so keep reading...

Monday, January 10, 2005

Concerning the Truths found in Tales

Did you ever notice how the old wives tales and fairy tales always have some underlying meaning, moral, or purpose beyond the telling? Take for example the story of the tortoise and the hare. These days folks would rather be the hare, convinced that they would not stop to gloat, or stop to drink tea, and what not. They have missed the point. For it is not the speed of either creature which makes the story profound, rather it is the attitude each creature adopts at the outset. The hare was unfocused and proud, a blazing cannon out of control. Shallow and contemptible, he misjudged both the appearance and the reality of both his opponent, and himself. He thought the tortoise was inferior based on outward appearance, and he thought he was superior by the same measure. What did the tortoise do? I would imagine him to be so focused on the goal, that he does not even notice his opponent. He casts no thought toward him, extends no effort or concentration, for all his concentration is used up in the race. For the tortoise the issue at stake was not merely winning the race, but finishing it. The methods each use to run their race is reflective of the attitude of their heart and mind. Like quicksilver the hare races off the start line, assuring himself of victory as he leaves the line. He does not pace himself, and he barely looks at the direction he is headed. So much confidence is built up in him based on his external appearance that he doesn't see his glaring fault. He is doomed to failure because of that which guides him. The tortoise on the other hand does not think of himself as high, instead he consistently waddles along, never waxing or waning, never slowing or speeding, and always conscious of his focus.
What manner of person are you. Is it in your heart to follow Christ with consistency, and is it planned in your mind. Have you decided that you will focus on Christ, and no other, that your ultimate purpose is to worship him? Or have you gone the way of the hare, and thought you were good enough on your own to reach God, like a loose cannon, useless from the beginning.
Some may be forward in suggesting that these things are too difficult, and that consistency in godliness is impossible, or too boring, or not rewarding. Look closely at your heart. Analyze yourself, for noone else, save God, can know who you really are. You are simply making excuses for the blasphemous way in which you live, or desire to live. Consistency does not demand perfection, but it does demand effort. If you are not willing to work hard to know Jesus, what use is it to you to try at all?
Finally, I am slowly beginning to realize how much my generation has failed in learning from the older ones. How blessed is it to look into eyes worn with age, whose hearts and minds are vibrantly consistent for our Lord. What an example one can take from them. Sadly many are too wrapped up in arguing with them concerning doctrine, music, and styles of worship. The next time you bump shoulders, shake hands, or share tea with the older generation, remember the years of knowledge in walking with the Lord they have, and pray to the Lord that you might grow to know Him in the same way that they do.

By the way, the tortoise will always beat the hare....