Sunday, February 27, 2005

Feast for Thought

Today was an interesting day. Two major things happened today, church, and music practice. Music practice was a good time, as it always is, especially with Erin, Andymack, and the Cleric. Mack and I jammed out afterwards, and half wrote a song called 'Dancing Julia' (actually Andymack was basically in the midst of some crazy drum solo when i joined with some guitar and made up lyrics, but it was a start, and the song was about a girl who is a beautiful dancer, but has to work at McDonalds for $7.99)
Anyway, after that was done, I went to evening service at Braidwood and listened to a message on temptation and sin, (a continuation of the message from the morning on Genesis 3:1-12) and the Lord really spoke to me. Andy Bowes brought out the clear truth of God's word concerning temptation, and the reason we fall into sin so easily. The first thing Satan tries to do in temptation is make us doubt the Word of God, and the Goodness of God. Once he has done that sin is sure to follow, because when we begin to doubt what God says is true, we decide in our minds that what we desire, or wish, or hope, or think, is better than what God tells us. Remember that the heart is deceitful above all things. The old flesh is tearing at my mind to give into those temptations, because it hates God. Everyone out there who loves Jesus knows what I am talking about. That inner struggle of mind, right before the action of sin. That decision to run away, or to go ahead. Once again tonight I was reminded that the way to be strong in the face of temptation has nothing to do with my strength of will, or my intelligence, but my knowing God through the study of his word. You see folks I'm a fairly logical person, so the equation makes complete sense from all angles. It even has parallels to real life. If you want to have a deep relationship with someone you had better spend time with them, get to know them, and if you love that person, you will desire to do just that, and be pained when you can't do so. The same is true for our God. The way to know him is through his word. The question in my head and heart, the one I need to answer now, and the one I have been running from for so long is: Do I love Jesus? And if so, why don't I put forward the effort to get to know him by reading his word?

It's so simple. But in all honesty folks there are other things I would rather enjoy playing the harlot with before I run to my real husband, like my video games, or fantasy novels...
It's like that Derek Webb song 'wedding dress'. That one line is ringing in my ear: 'I am so easily satisfied, by the call of lovers less wild'.

For me its time to change, to get back to that consistency of reading God's word daily.

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Sand Outside Jericho

A song I wrote on a nightshift at work. Bartimaeus the beggar is such an interesting guy to study. It's amazing to see some of the truths the Lord applies to the heart.

Sitting in the sand outside the town of Jericho
The footsteps of a crowd drew a growl from his stomach
The mid-day meal was still long coming
And he had only a few coins in his coat

He called out to some passersby
'Sir why all the noise, and could you spare a coin?'
Then he heard Jesus' name, a whisper in the crowd
And at the top of his lungs he cried:

O son of David have mercy on me
Bartimaeus the Unclean
Dear Lord I want to see,
I just want to see

Your faith has made you well
And it was done, well almost.
There was still that choice to follow Christ,
But he'd been called, and his money lay forgotten

How is it I go back to being blind
And begging for this world to satisfy
Cause I don't really know what I want,
But I know I want to see.


Thursday, February 17, 2005


So while I was working on a philosophy essay about Descartes in a hallway at Trent University I glanced to my right to notice a group of weathered stones sitting just outside the large bay windows. That whole afternoon the sun and snow alternated at lacing intricate patterns and shadows accross the surface of these rocks. Besides this there was water dripping periodically from a tin roof onto the stones in that all too familiar pattern which left a ridge line of time worn stones to separate the grass from the rocks. To top it all off I was listening to some sweet Caedmon's Call songs, some of which were, Hands of the Potter, Shifting Sands, Manner and Means, etc. This all to say that I am going to write some spontaneous poetry concerning that evening. Enjoy.

Like a crimson arrow falling with the pull of gravity I fell,
To skip like a smooth stone accross cascading storm clouds,
Bent on dispensing their white, luminescent wrath upon
Stones hardened by years of teardrop bombardment.
Then, as the eye of a storm hushes the grass which meets it stare,
The stones braced, ears strained heavenward, for the dreaded wind
To bring in haste a seemingly endless barrage of snow.
Blue swirled to a deep grey, as azure was swallowed by heavily burdened
Pack horses, bound for some distant land, packages swaying in the breeze.
The crimson bolt disapeared, plunging the world into shadow, the wind,
Afraid to blow its tidings, retreats into the recesses.
And I am alone again, gloriously alone.
Grey fades to green, and I smile:
It will be back!

Sunday, February 13, 2005

New Lessons

The Lord teaches new lessons every day. This weekend went completely as God planned, and as I review it, I see his faithfulness painted across my moments of doubt, and his grace across my sin. Doubting my Lord has been a problem of late, but the Lord has taught me once again that he is not only trustworthy, but He is 'The trustworthy.' A small red elastic behind the ear should do as a reminder for that. The others i suppose are to deal with my unruly hair and performance with sword forms. (more on that in another blog)
On another note, I've been noticing more and more how friends are few and hard to come by. Distance grows with each passing day, and I speak and communicate with less and less people that I once did. I suppose a core group of people exists, but sometimes I wonder if that is diminishing. I think I have concluded that:

1) Friends must be cherished and one must work hard to keep those relationships going.
2) The Lord has reasons for moving people in and out of our lives, and it is not our job to become anxious over departure, or separation. Seasons come and go, we must embrace the new season, remembering fondly, not bitterly, those friendships we were bestowed with.

Based on this, I think I need to work at cultivating those relationships I am responsible with.
(and learn 'Courtier Taps His Fan')


Wednesday, February 09, 2005


Today has been interesting. I have two things coming fast. Ottawa and Work, both of which I must attend, but neither can be done at the same time: They overlap... As it stands, there is only 1 person who can take the shift, and 3 days until the deadline. I am struggling to be confident that God will resolve the problem. Or perhaps it is my perceiving it as a problem that is making me anxious. Trusting the Lord with things you can't control should be easier than this... sigh. I need to be patient.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Another Mask To Burn...

Today I was out in a t-shirt, freezing but loving the closeness of spring. I was thinking about what it means to be sincere, in both thought and deed. I was reminded that I need to be very careful that the way I am presenting myself to people matches up with my heart condition. Its time to stop telling people I feel 'good' when I don't, or pass myself off as someone who has everything together. If I continue to do these things, I will start to believe they are true, creating an even greater problem than just deceiving my friends about my spiritual condition; I will deceive myself.

'I thought I could protect it better holding it in my hands, but I paid it so much attention it broke when I tripped over my own feet. So the heart goes back on the sleeve, where God protects it.'